Heroes

"Mommy, what does hero mean?"

That is the question my 10 year old asked me after I showed him this: http://www.walkmoreeatless.com/heroes.html

He asked "Does this mean I can jump off the deck without a parachute?"

"No baby", I responded "That is a SuperHero and those are pretend. A hero is much better than a Superhero because a hero is real."

"Then what does a hero do, mommy?", he asked.

Oh boy....one of THOSE questions...quick....think!

"A hero motivates people to be the best they can be. A hero is someone who makes the world a better place."

At this point I'm not sure exactly whether he understood what I meant or not, but he smiled that gorgeous smile and merrily went along getting ready for school. So now I'm thinking to myself, what DOES hero mean and how in the heck did this child of mine become one to someone besides me?

I have always known he was a gift and for many years there were times that it felt like I was the only one who could see the amazing little boy behind the label. Autism. What a scary word for parents. There were times when he was 2 that even I didn't see the boy. All I saw were the autistic features that he so prominently displayed. He never seemed to notice who was home and who wasn't. As long as he had our coffee table (a.k.a. "spin city") and something in his hands he could spin on it, he was content. It wasn't always that way though. He started out as a perfectly normal (ugh...I really hate that word...more on that another day though) kid. He reached every milestone on time that first year. Laughed a lot, loved Nascar even then. He would get so excited when a race would come on television. His first word was "whoa!" which he said at the beginning of a race one day at about 10 months. We took him to a local race track and I think that was the first time that I realized something was different about him. As the cars were out taking a qualifying lap, we noticed that he did not move his head or his eyes. He would focus on the center of the track and as long as a car was in his field of vision, he excitedly waved his hands. He didn't track the car though. He just kept his focus on the center of the track, as if it was a TV screen, and he watched this "screen" until the car came back into view.

By the time he reached his second birthday, we had known for about six months that there was something amiss. Finally after being put off by his own doctor once again, I took him to mine and that got the ball rolling. At 25 months of age, he was diagnosed with Autism.

Those first few years of the autism diagnosis were really tough. Autism totally consumed our lives. I was trying so hard to "recover" or "cure" him. That was what I was supposed to do, right? I won't bore you with all the details but it was a time where all I could feel were the losses that seemed to be all around me. It felt as though I lost all my friends, my extended family dropped to the background as well. Nobody wanted to put themselves out there. Nobody wanted to offer help. Nobody wanted to be around us anymore. Maybe this was my fault as I was so consumed with "curing" my child. In the process, I lost myself. My diabetes continued to worsen. Heck, speaking of losses, I even began to lose my hair from the stress. I lost the ability to work outside of the home (although since money was tight as we also lost a lot of that chasing "recovery", I still had to find a way to earn money, which I did by doing medical transcription at home while everyone else slept...so I lost sleep as well).

As the years have gone by, with every birthday we reflect back and can see more Dallas and less Autism. At this point, I don't really think you can separate the two. Autism is just a part of who he is and will always be. One day I realized that he accepted who he is and that even more amazing than that, I had too. Even my husband, who I didn't think would ever forgive me for having him tested and diagnosed at 2, had finally reached that level of acceptance and was becoming less anxious about what other people thought or said or the looks they gave in public when Dallas was "just being Dallas" as his cousins say, when he became excited and flapped his arms or when he was stressed and would sing his own words to the tune of "twinkle twinkle little star." I am no longer scouring the internet looking for a "cure" or even a "cause" but rather spend my time helping him find out who he is and how to give him that one thing that everyone in this world needs...Passion. Don't get me wrong here, I still try every day to help him learn and grow, just like any other parent helps their child. The difference is that I no longer feel the need to "fix" him.

It seems somehow along this crazy journey that he has found his passion. He wants to be an announcer. He doesn't watch cartoons on TV, he watches game shows, home shopping type channels, ESPN and the weather channel. He has been great on the computer since he first touched a mouse at 2, and I always thought that when he spoke about wanting to make commercials that he wanted to produce them or edit them or shoot them or something. It never entered my mind that he wanted to be in front of the camera until he decided to dress up like Drew Carey for Halloween last year. This year he plans to be a local radio DJ whom he has befriended. He makes his own videos on youtube on channel MomE2Dallas.

A few months ago, Dallas saw an opportunity to be an announcer and he took it. He just went for it. Just like that. Isn't that what we all wish we had the courage to do..just to go for it at least once? I have to admit that I was holding my breath for much of his impromptu speech that day. My first instinct was to run out there and get him! I even asked my husband to "go get him". But then I thought to myself that I didn't care anymore what other people thought. He was living his dream right in that moment and I couldn't take it away from him. How amazing is it that he knows what he wants at such a young age and isn't afraid to go for it? Yep, I'd say that alone makes him my hero.



Here is Dallas making his impromptu speech at an Autism Awareness Event.

A Different Kind of Warrior Mom

This is something I made and posted on youtube after a question my son asked me that really threw me for a loop.

Welcome to my blog!

I have set up this blog because recently, I feel the need to get a lot of stuff off my chest. I have a 10 year old son with autism who is discovering himself and has a lot of questions. This, in turn, leaves me with a lot to think about. I can usually figure things out pretty well, just by writing down my thoughts, so I created this blog for that purpose. My son Dallas already has his own blog here, so I will be linking to that one occasionally as well.